so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
