I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
