dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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