I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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