I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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