I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Shitshow foam night was such a success
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
