My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
