sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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