did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
