how can u be prego again
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
