I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
