you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
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