Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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