She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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