o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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