You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Randomize
