Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
