Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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