Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
