I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
