it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
