I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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