Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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