o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
