update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Randomize