Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
