Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
