i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize
