I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
