she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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