Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I have fence marks all over my body
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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