I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
