My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
