I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
