i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
