can u get pink eye on your cock?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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