i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
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