Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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