He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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