how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Randomize
