and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize