and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
