Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
