I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
