I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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