boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
