I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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