Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
