And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
