Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
