Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
