bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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