You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
