The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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