I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
