She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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