All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
