i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
