I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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