I skipped work to stalk him.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize