Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
