Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
