Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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