do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
be right there i have to get my cape
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
