my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
