Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
