there's paper in my vomit.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
