dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
