I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
